; you'll always be my thunder
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Blogging after a LONG time
Monday, November 15, 2010 || 5:47 PM
heyyy, I haven't blogged in a longlong time. I've been emoing on tumblr >< but we all know that when I need to rant, I always come back to my blog. sigh. I feel so down all the time. Seriously. Ergh. Its like the start of Sec 3 all over again. The whole feeling depressed for no reason at all thing.
I feel so lonely. And it makes no sense at all. Cause there're like tons of people at my house right now. And I know that I have so many people I can call up to talk and rant, but there's only so much they can listen to.
And its so true. I mean, there's only so much I can tell them without feeling like the most annoying person on the face of the earth. And nowadays I feel like I'm pushing away friends, cause I'm so scared of getting hurt again. And I just can't stop.
I also feel like I'm disappointing my parents over and over again. Firstly, my shitty results. They're really bad. I feel ashamed of myself because I know it wasn't my best. I didn't work hard at all this year. I slacked off, didn't do my work, didn't pay attention in class, and just basically messed up. And I'm so screwed up at home. I don't help out enough, I keep doing stupid things. And I just feel like a screwup so often. I don't know what the hell happened to me.
I used to be actually happy with my character, then this year rolled along, and I started changing so much that I am disgusted with the person I've turned out to be. Seriously. I don't even know how to convey how much I detest the person I've become.
People treat me like I'm some hypocrite, someone who cannot keep their word. And I can't even refute that, cause its true. I don't have a strong character, I don't finish things I said I would, and I am way too needy for my own good. Sometimes, I really think, why do people even put up with me? Honestly, if I was another person, I don't know if I'd be friends with me. But maybe, I only have friends cause I'm just that good at putting up an act. Does anyone even know the real me? Sometimes I really wonder.
And next year, I'm gonna be a better person. I'm gonna focus on my work, gonna be there for my friends 24/7 and STOP feeling sorry for myself.
Because who I am is something I can control, and I'd be damned if I grow up to be as screwed as I am right now.
