; you'll always be my thunder

May 2006 June 2006 August 2006 April 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011

heyyy, I haven't blogged in a longlong time. I've been emoing on tumblr >< but we all know that when I need to rant, I always come back to my blog. sigh. I feel so down all the time. Seriously. Ergh. Its like the start of Sec 3 all over again. The whole feeling depressed for no reason at all thing.

I feel so lonely. And it makes no sense at all. Cause there're like tons of people at my house right now. And I know that I have so many people I can call up to talk and rant, but there's only so much they can listen to.

And its so true. I mean, there's only so much I can tell them without feeling like the most annoying person on the face of the earth. And nowadays I feel like I'm pushing away friends, cause I'm so scared of getting hurt again. And I just can't stop.

I also feel like I'm disappointing my parents over and over again. Firstly, my shitty results. They're really bad. I feel ashamed of myself because I know it wasn't my best. I didn't work hard at all this year. I slacked off, didn't do my work, didn't pay attention in class, and just basically messed up. And I'm so screwed up at home. I don't help out enough, I keep doing stupid things. And I just feel like a screwup so often. I don't know what the hell happened to me.



You know that sensation you get sometimes, when it feels like someone's hand is squeezing the hell out of your heart? The feeling that you can't breathe anymore, the feeling when every inhalation hurts? Common sense tells me its grief, but it feels like it just doesn't encompass the true meaning of that sensation.

Grief. Sounds harsh and heavy in your mouth doesn't it. It feels like someone is forcibly making you drink water when you're having hiccups. This horrific feeling has been plaguing me for the past couple of hours. I can't think straight, can't sit still in one place, can't find anything to distract myself with.

It's like everything reminds me of the same thing. Everything. It sucks when I frequent all my favourite haunts and find that in each of these places, I've thought of you. And the memories hurt more than anything. And I feel terrible all the time. I try to act like I'm fine, I try to act like its not affecting me, but it is. How could it not?

I feel so screwed up right now.

hello, I know I haven't posted in ages, I'm sorry bout that. well, I'm posting because I am now incredibly sad and.. yeah well, just sad. like seriously. supersuper sad.

I reread The Pact, which is by far Jodi Picoult's best book EVER. Usually I find that her books seem a little forced. A little like she is forcibly stuffing in social problems. And they're usually farfetched. But The Pact is amazing. Seriously. It made me sob. Its super super super sad ):


“Don’t you see?” Chris said, trying to keep the tears out of his voice. “Don’t you understand what you’d be doing to me?”

“I’m not doing it to you,” Emily answered softly. “I’m doing it for me.”

Chris stared at her.

“What,” he said, “is the difference?”


"My whole life was about her, what if her whole life wasn’t all about me?"


"How could he convey to someone who’d never even met her the way she always smelled like rain, or how his stomach knotted up every time he saw her shake loose her hair from its braid? How could he describe how it felt when she finished his sentences, turned the mug they were sharing so that her mouth landed where his had been? How did he explain the way they could be in a locker room, or underwater, or in the piney woods of Maine, bus as long as Em was with him, he was at home?"


"Do you know what it’s like to love someone so much, that you can’t see yourself without picturing her? Or what it’s like to touch someone, and feel like you’ve come home? What we had wasn’t about sex, or about being with someone just to show off what you’ve got, the way it was for other kids our age. We were, well, meant to be together. Some people spend their whole lives looking for that one person. I was lucky enough to have her all along."



okay I have no idea how I'm gonna sleep now. I'm like overloaded with sadness ): anyway, if you didn't get the very strong hint, GO READ THE BOOK. tyvm.