; you'll always be my thunder
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ERGH
Saturday, October 16, 2010 || 10:32 PM
Okay, this is depressing ): The other day was.. bad. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love all my friends to bits and pieces. but it was just downright depressing to see and sense the awkwardness. It sucks so much that for two people who were so close to become so distanced in every sense. Just sitting there hurt more than many things I've gone through. I was so close to getting up and leaving in fear of crying in the middle. But I didn't cause I knew it was something I'd have to face eventually, but man was it hard. And I don't know what the hell I want. Well, okay fine, I know what I want, but I know that its a stupid thing to want. And I don't know what the hell to do about it.
And just hearing about some things just hurt so bloody much. I just don't understand why you would tell me these things, don't you know how fresh the wounds still are? And listening to all of it just sucked. Really sucked. But I just had to keep smiling, cause I had to be happy for you, its not your fault anyway.
I'm such a screwup. I'm so selfish and bitchy and stubborn and self-absorbed and horrible. I don't know when the hell I turned out like this. I tell myself that its the only way for me to survive, but its not. I hate who I've become, recently. I can't even tolerate some of the things that flit through my mind sometimes. I want to change, I do really. I wish I have something to change for.
Right now, I just feel empty, and lost. Sometimes I don't even know why I try so hard. And there's so much that I want and yearn for, but I don't know if its me being selfish again. I have so much: Loving parents, a brother who would take a bullet for me, friends who've had my back through it all.
But I'm still stuck thinking about another person I could have mentioned on that list. But that person's not on my list anymore, and I know I've just got to suck it up, and move on. But I can't.
How do people even put up with me.
I'm gonna be a better person. For me.
